


Far Too Young To Die

by sodunwithyou



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Hearing Voices, M/M, More tags to be added, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, this will probably hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:34:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4782488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodunwithyou/pseuds/sodunwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler didn't see another way.<br/>Josh was left with the aftermath and a handful of tear-stained letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I couldn’t stand the pain any longer. The screaming in my head only ever stopped to yell abuse at me. I had to do it. I had to. And who would really care? I mean, really? Josh would be hurt the most, he’d struggle with it for a while but I know he’ll bounce back soon enough.

After all, he wasn’t here tonight so he can’t need me that much.

 

“ _I’m so sorry Tyler,” and he looked genuinely sorry, he really did._

_**If he was really sorry he would just say no and stay with you.** _

_“It’s fine Josh, just enjoy yourself,” I sighed, forcing a small smile on my face._

_“Listen, I’ll come round tomorrow” he promised and I tried not to flinch._

_“Sure. Uh, how does 11 sound?”_

_“Jesus, how long do you need to sleep?” Josh laughed, “sure. By Ty! I love you.”_

 

If only he knew. Tomorrow he wouldn’t find me sitting on the sofa cradling my morning coffee, he’ll find me laying in a pool of my own blood. **Get on with it then.** I closed my eyes, reaching out a hand to grab my razor. I’d drunk enough liquid courage to feel beautifully numb, to have the world blurring a little at the edges and I know that I’ll only feel better.

**Do it Tyler.** I nodded and placed the blade against my skin, relishing in the release it provided.

“I love you Josh.” I told the empty room, the words seemed to echo off the painfully white walls. I’d never said those words to him. Never. **Because you never believed him.** I always believed him. I just didn’t believe myself. **You knew he’d leave you like everyone else.**

I shook my head vehemently, “Josh would never leave me.” Blurry only laughed at me. **But you’re leaving him.** I felt sick to my stomach. The blood around me no longer comforting, it was sticky and there was too much of it. “No. No. No. What have I done?” I tried to get up but the world span even faster and everything faded for a second. **You’ve done the right thing Tyler, you’re saving him.**

“S-saving him?”

**He doesn’t really love you Tyler, no one could. You’re freeing him from the responsibility, the burden that is you.** It made sense. In fact, it was the most sense Blurry had ever made. Maybe that’s why I never told him how I felt, because I knew he didn’t mean it.

 

_Josh held me close to him, pressing soft and fluttering kisses to my skin. I could feel his smile against my neck where he had buried his head._

_“Ty?” I twisted to see him, to see the light blush on his cheeks and the glow in his eyes. “I love you.” My heart exploded, everything stopped, the smile on my face grew. **No he doesn’t. No one could love you.** And then my smile faded. _

_“Really?” I asked, voice far too quiet and afraid._

_“Of course Ty, you don’t have to say it back.” And maybe he sounded a little broken, a little upset but when I looked back at him he was smiling a little. “But I do. I love you.”_

 

“A-are you s-sure he doesn’t l-love me?” I asked, tears falling down my face. **Of course he doesn’t Tyler. Look at yourself, what is there to love?** Blurry was right. He just felt like he had to love me. My grip on reality was fading, things were plummeting into blackness as the shadows around the edges grew. I heard my phone ringing again, it had been buzzing this whole time, the damn thing had never stopped but in the silence and madness it seemed amplified somehow.

“TYLER OPEN THE DOOR!” I swear I heard someone shouting, but it must have been my imagination. Everything was swirling now, everything fading and I smiled as I felt myself slip away slowly. “Tyler, shit. Ty?” I forced myself to focus on what was in front of me. A person. It was a person. With. With red hair. “What have you done?” he sounded terrified.

“Shh. It’s okay.” I smiled, not sure how well I pulled it off though, the smallest of movements asked too much of me.

“Tyler what about this is okay? I love you! I love you, don’t leave me, please don’t leave me,” he was begging and pleading, crying as he shook me. **He doesn’t love you.**

“I know.” I wasn’t sure if I was talking to Blurry or Josh, I don’t think it mattered. “Josh? I-I love you.” I nodded once, smiling at the words I’d managed to force out. Glad he’d heard them from my lips finally.

“Ty. Ty. Don’t. Don’t.” But it was too late, my gaze focused on what was behind him, the blurred black figure I knew too well.

**“Come now Tyler,”** he held out a hand, speaking in that voice that I’d heard so often bouncing around my head. **“You don’t want me to hurt Josh.”** His hand hovered above Josh’s arm.

“No. It’s okay.” And with those whispered words I reached up and took the hand offered to me, my body falling numb and cold as I did so. I watched as Josh screamed and sobbed, as he begged me to stay with him, I watched as the paramedics turned up to work on a body beyond saving.


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler. Tyler. Tyler.

He was all that was on my mind. I hadn’t left his house since, since, the incident. Had I told anyone? I don’t know. I can’t really remember. Everything is a bit of a blur. I’m not sure how long it’s been exactly, a few days maybe. The bathroom floor is still covered in his blood, a reminder of how much I failed him.

The blood on my hands had served as a literal reminder of everything I’d lost, reminded me I’d failed the one person I loved most. I’d let Ty down. I scrubbed at my hands until they were red and raw, tears stung my eyes.

“Why Ty? Why?” Speaking to empty rooms had become a bit of a habit over the past few days, I barely moved from the bathroom or the bedroom, everywhere reminded me of Tyler. I wanted to be mad at him. I really wanted to. But. I couldn’t. I was too busy being heartbroken. Too busy feeling guilty. Too busy being half a person.

I had forced myself into the kitchen to eat when I saw them, a pile of letters, each one sealed in an envelope with a single name scrawled beautifully on the front. The top one read _Joshua._ With a deep breath I opened it, knowing too well what this likely contained.

 

_My dearest Josh,_

_I’m sorry that I had to this. I’m so sorry. But you don’t understand. You could never understand. You deserve so much better than me, than a broken and sorry excuse for a boyfriend, a man haunted and taunted by his own head. You’ll be sad for a while, but you’ll get over it. I need you to. I need you to be happy._

_I love you Josh. I never told you, but it’s true. Every time you said it, I would scream it back to you in my head. Maybe this would be easier if you didn’t know, but I had to tell you somehow. I never had the guts to tell you, Blurry always told me you never really meant it anyway._

_What we had was special to me Josh. Everything we had. You were the best friend I’ve ever had, the best friend anyone could have. You didn’t do anything wrong Josh. This is not your fault. It’s mine. This would have happened no matter what you did, but know this – you prolonged my life Josh. I would have ended it all months ago, years ago, if it wasn’t for you and your kind smile and pretty words._

_When we met, a puzzle piece fell in place, it was like I’d known you forever, since the beginning of time. Maybe we’re from the same star. Isn’t that a nice thought? I’ll love you forever Josh, even though I’m not with you physically I’ll be there with you. You’re better off without me. I want what’s best for you. And who knows, maybe in a long time once you’ve seen your children grow up and start their lives, when you leave your life behind, maybe our star will reunite,_

_Forever Yours_

_Ty_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to bug me on Tumblr: raggedinsomniacs


	3. Chapter 3

I took it upon myself to deliver the letters. Tyler clearly wanted them given out and I refuse to let him down again. That’s how I ended up outside his childhood home with a letter clutched in one hand as the other hovered over the doorbell, my heart beating too fast and my stomach threatening to spill the small amount I’d managed to eat.

“Josh, sweetie, is that you?” The door had opened before I had worked up the courage to ring the bell and after getting over the initial shock I managed to nod. “Come in.”

“Thank you,” my voice was hoarse and emotionless. I was feeling more than a little broken, and had been since the incident.

“Can I help you with anything?” I felt a wave of guilt, her son had, was, it was her son and here I was here being an emotional mess. This should be the other way round, I should be comforting her and putting on a brave face. She should be the mess, I should be trying to help her.

“I. I need to give you his. It’s. Tyler. He left it.” I stammered, brushing away a few rogue tears, I handed it over and met her eyes. I saw the tears there begging to fall down her face, the tell-tale red puffiness of someone who’d spent a long time crying. I knew that look to well, it’s there every time I look in the mirror. “I’ll leave you to read it.” She nodded once and I saw myself out. No more words were needed, I didn’t wait for her to say anything. It would probably only make me cry anyway, she reminds me so much of Tyler. I lied to myself and pretended I couldn’t hear her screaming and sobbing as I made my way down the street.

 

_Mum,_

_I know you’ll blame yourself for not seeing this, for not stopping it. Please don’t. Please Mum. I couldn’t stand the pain of being alive any longer and that is not your fault. It never could be. And don’t blame Josh, ~~he,~~ I know he’ll be upset and I need you to look after him. He might even think about doing something really stupid – don’t let him. In a few months’ time, maybe a few years, he’ll be alright and he’ll settle down with someone else. Just, watch out for him, alright?_

_You have always been important to me Mum, always. You’ve been such a supporter of me no matter my choices and I can’t begin to thank you enough, even when you didn’t always agree you were never unsupportive. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be in my life._

_When I brought Josh home for Christmas last year, when I told you he was my boyfriend, I half expected you to throw us out. For you to tell me that I wasn’t your son, I was evil and going to hell. I wasn’t ready for you to smile fondly, pull us both into a hug and say ‘it’s about time’. Of all the things I was prepared for, that hadn’t come close. You always loved me, your love never wavered; not even for a second._

_I still remember when I was small and climbing trees became the coolest thing on the planet, I remember how you’d stand under the branches with your arms out ready to catch me if I fell. I remember when I came home from school one day and you wouldn’t let me into the garden, you just smiled and told me to play in the street, when I got home you took me out the back and showed me a tree house you’d had built. It was beautiful, it was everything I had wanted. You were always there for me, ready to catch me when I fall._

_No one could catch me this time Mum. You tried. Everyone tried. I had to do it. And I know you may never truly understand, you’ll probably be so mad with me right now, but that’s okay. Blame me. Hate me. Be so mad at me it hurts. Just don’t be mad at yourself. It was my choice Mum. It was all mine._

_I couldn’t leave you without something, I couldn’t just leave you to beat yourself up about this. I don’t know what else I can say to you Mum. You made my time here more bearable, you put a smile on my face even at my lowest points. You were always there for me. Keep an eye on everyone, ~~especially Josh~~_

_I love you Mum,_

_Tyler_


	4. Chapter 4

Pete stared at me for a long time as I held out the envelope.

“And you’re sure it’s for me?” He stared at it like it would spontaneously combust.

“I don’t know any other Pete’s and if he wanted me to give them to the right person then he should have put the fucking last names on. Or just, you know, not fucking done it.” I spat, suddenly feeling really fucking angry.

Pete placed a hand on my shoulder, “hey, Josh calm down. Maybe you should just go and talk to hi-”

“No. I can’t. I won’t. No.”

“Alright buddy.” He took the letter from me without another word, ripping it open before I could even leave. “Oh fuck,” Pete choked on his words, crying as he read whatever Tyler had written. “Fuck Tyler.”

“Pete?” I’d never seen him so emotional, he’s always had this mask on that only a few people could see behind, but I watched as it crumbled before me.

“Come here,” and then Pete pulled me into a hug and just held me close for what felt like forever.

“Are you okay?”

“We’re all going to be okay. I promise.” I didn’t point out that we weren’t _all_ going to be okay, that would be unfair of me. I let him believe it, I wish I could believe it too.

_Pete,_

_I bet you’re thinking why the hell did I write you a letter, I asked myself the same thing, but I trust you Pete. I trust that you understand me, you felt the same way. I wasn’t as strong as you, I couldn’t beat my demons and that’s why I’m in this mess. That’s why you’re reading this._

_He wouldn’t shut up, Blurry that is, he just carried on forever and ever. And if he wasn’t taunting me there was this screaming Pete, and it was never ending – like static between radio stations. I tried my hardest to fight it, I promise, I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. Nothing. That’s why I had to end it._

_I hate to burden you with this knowledge, with the knowing. But I needed to tell someone. I couldn’t take another moment. Being around you guys acted as a reprieve for a while, but Blurry was always stronger than me. I knew he’d win, it was just a matter of when. I think you knew it would happen Pete. I saw the way you’d look at me sometimes, with sadness and pity and worry, sometimes you’d go to say something and then decide against it. You wouldn’t have stopped me Pete. This is better anyway._

_I wasn’t worth your time, or anyone’s time Pete. Thank you. For everything you did, that Fall Out Boy did. I’m not really in a position to ask for favors, but would you keep an eye on everyone? Not just Josh, but him to. Soon enough you won’t even notice I’m gone._

_There’s so much I wish I had said to Josh, wish I had put in his letter but I didn’t. Can you make sure he knows how important he was to me? And that I was so proud of what we achieved together, every last thing. It was more than I ever could have hoped. Tell him he’s the best drummer on the planet and don’t let him stop. Tell him if there’s one thing I’ll miss more than anything it’s him, make sure he knows he was all that kept me going for so long and that this could never be his fault._

_Stay alive,_

_Tyler_


	5. Chapter 5

Brendon pulled me into the house before the door had even opened properly, the place was dark and messy and Brendon was even worse. His eyes red, he clearly hadn’t shaved in a while (but I really can’t say anything, I can’t even look in the mirror right now). I saw empty bottles and cursed.

“Brendon, you alright?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m not drunk. Not anymore. I ran out,” he said sadly, looking at the bottles almost mournfully. “Ty hates, hated, when I drank.” There was silence for a minute. “I really fucking miss him. But, hey, how are you doing?” And then there was a small smile on his face.

“I’m. I’m. Managing.” I took the envelope from my pocket, “so, Ty, he left this for you.” I’d never seen Brendon look so lost for words or so upset. He took it wordlessly.

“Thank you,” he whispered, teary eyes not leaving the envelope.

“I’ll leave you to read it,” I gave him another hug and started to leave.

“Josh?” I turned to look at him, “promise if you, if you feel, like, you know, you’ll call me?”

“Of course Bren.” And then I left him alone, hurrying away because I didn’t want a rerun of what had happened with Tyler’s Mum.

_Brendon,_

_Brendon. I think that you, more than anyone, will sit there and beat yourself up. Josh will too, but they’ll notice because everyone’s watching him. But you’ve always been an emotional guy, and a brilliant friend to me, and I know that whenever anyone’s looking you’ll force a smile and make a joke but inside you’ll be breaking. Don’t. Not over me._

_Remember that you helped me so much Bren, so much. And if it wasn’t by you being there with me and saying all the right things then it was through your music. You were right, we are far too young to die. All of us. But I had to Brendon. You don’t understand, I won’t burden you with the knowledge either. Just promise me I’ll be the only one. Look after yourself, that’s all I’m asking here._

_I bet you just chuckled a little, probably muttered a stupid comment like ‘oh is that all’ and smiled sadly. But yeah, that’s all Bren. I get that the world can be too much, trust me, I do. But this is what was right for me. The world is a better place this way. You need to stay. All of you need to stay. There is so much great left for you to do. So much._

_Stay strong Brendon, don’t be afraid to ask for help,_

_Love Tyler_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short, hopefully I'll put another chapter up tomorrow or something :) hope you enjoy it


	6. Chapter 6

I stood at the door shaking, refusing to look at him.

“Get in,” Pete pushed me into the room, making me trip over before I sat down on one of the chairs. Brendon and Pete followed after me.

“So, Ty, I. Wow. I just can’t believe everything that happened. I thought we were fighting this thing together, I’m sorry for not being enough, for not noticing it. For not stopping you. Not being there when you needed me.”

“Stop.” Pete scolded, both him and Brendon have been watching me so closely since it happened. Every little thing I do is under scrutiny and if the catch even a whiff of me blaming myself then I get the whole ‘it was his choice, he loved you’ speech.

“I can’t do this.” One fleeting look at the lifeless body of my best friend, bandmate and boyfriend rendered me a sobbing mess and I fled. I stayed outside though, crouched on the floor as the other two stayed in there.

“Ty, part of me hopes you can hear us. Listen, we know you did what you thought was right. You were trapped and that’s okay. It really is. But we’re still sorry. We’re still going to think of all the ways we could have helped and second-guess everything. But. I promise I’ll keep an eye on them all. I promise. I should have said something.” Pete sighed, before joining me outside with wet eyes. I didn’t say anything, I was curled up with tears falling silently down my face. We both knew Brendon needed to be alone, we also both stayed even though we shouldn’t have.

“Shit Ty. You knew all along how this would fuck me up. You little ass. You know me so well. But I’m trying. I hope you know that. I’m trying. And, I even chuckled, like you said I would, then I smiled sadly and then I sobbed. That’s when I wrecked my house. You know the ukulele you gave me for my birthday last year, I broke it Ty. I. Shit. I messed a lot of shit up. Then I got high and drunk off my ass. But. I’m trying okay. And that’s all I can promise, because you were right about all of it. I just wish you were here now to say something stupidly annoying and really smart about it.” He cried softly, when he came out me and Pete looked away and ignored the tears on his face.

“Are we coming back?” Pete asked, looking mainly at me.

“It’s too painful. I can’t. I. The memories.” I stammered, not able to look at the door at all, not wanting even one more glance at the man who means the world to me. Meant the world to me.

Brendon smiled sadly, “hey, I get it. Let’s go get drunk.” And for the first time in a long time I agreed.


	7. Chapter 7

“You don’t mind?” I asked for the thousandth time.

“Josh, I wouldn’t ask you if I did. Seriously, we need a drummer on tour and you need a distraction,” Brendon smiled at me, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Neither did mine though.

“Okay. Okay. Thanks man.”

“Forget it. I need you there too.”

 

 

 

 

The fan reaction was a little strange to say the least. No one knew where twenty one pilots stood, but I guess it just didn’t matter because Tyler wasn’t around and you can’t have a band with just a drummer. Panic! taking me on was what I needed and most people kind of understood. But it didn’t mean everyone reacted well. Someone started spreading the rumor that I had moved on from Tyler, that maybe I convinced him to do it – I couldn’t see for crying when I saw the comments on Facebook. I could never stop loving Tyler, never love another, and never ever convince anyone, especially the man who meant the most to me, to do something so irreversible. I got really good at ignoring those people.

Our friendship only grew when I was on the road with them. It was different. None of them were Tyler. Not even close. They weren’t happy to drive to Taco Bell at 4 AM when I got a real craving, and Brendon hated having the fridge full of red bull, and no one shouted at me when I didn’t dry off properly. But, whatever it was, was a whole lot better than nothing.

“What’s in the box?” The question fell from my lips without my consent, see Brendon had this fancy little box thing that he kept in his bunk and whenever anyone was close he’d close it and hide it away. But I’d noticed that he always seemed so, sad whenever he had it.

“The, uh, the box? What box?” Brendon laughed nervously, taking a gulp of the beer in his hand and refusing to look directly at me.

“Don’t fuck with me Bren.” I sighed.

He got to his feet and left me sitting there for a moment, before returning with it in his hands. “Just. Don’t laugh at me or whatever.” He handed it over to me, he looked like a man on death row waiting for the end to come.

I opened it cautiously, I wasn’t prepared for what was inside.

“Is this?”

“The stupid ukulele? Yeah. Yeah it is.”

 

 

 

 

_“He’ll love it!” Tyler bounced around happily as I watched him, “do we have any wrapping paper?”_

_“I don’t know Ty, probably not.”_

_“I need to wrap it, otherwise it’s not a surprise,” he pouted and I could never say no to that face._

_“What color do you want? I’ll go buy some.” I asked, and he beamed at me and after a moment of thought his whole face lit up._

_“Princesses! Pretty pink princesses or something!” He squealed, shaking my arm in excitement. “This is the best present I’ve ever come up with, Bren will be so happy.”_

_“Sure he will, come on Princess, we gotta get some wrapping paper.” With a soft kiss to his cheek I pulled him out of our crappy little hotel room and took him to a shop I’d seen when we were exploring the city yesterday._

_I won’t lie, we got some strange ass looks from the shop assistant and it probably didn’t help that Ty was a kid in a candy store. He was rocking back and forth on his feet and singing softly as she handed it over and he honestly skipped out of the shop. I had to run to keep up with him as we headed back to the hotel room._

_His concentration face as he wrapped the ukulele was killing me and it took every ounce of self-control to not kiss him like crazy. Although, there’s rarely a time I don’t want to kiss him. Or hold his hands to stop him twitching. Or to lie down on the sofa and watch crap TV with him laying in my arms._

_“Are you ready to go?” Tyler’s soft voice broke me from my thoughts._

_I blinked a few times, “sure, now?” He nodded and then we were off to Brendon’s room which was a whole lot more extravagant than ours._

_“Glad you could make it,” Brendon beamed, stepping back and letting us in. When the door was closed Tyler revealed the pink glittery fairy paper he’d chosen and wrapped awfully. So much so that no one could guess what it was. I thought it was adorable. “You didn’t?”_

_“I did. Happy Birthday,” he handed the package over and watched Brendon’s face closely._

_“Wow. Thanks man, seriously,” and with a massive smile he started ripping the paper off and finally revealed what it was. “Shit. No fucking way! A fucking Uke. Ty, you’re amazing.” Brendon hugged Tyler for what seemed like forever but the two of them were so happy._

_“Now you can play a toy guitar just like Tyler,” Pete said, breaking the two apart and I honestly hadn’t even realized he was here._

_“It’s not a toy guitar,” Tyler muttered._

_“Hey, Ty can play guitar anyway though,” Brendon pointed out with a shrug, and Tyler hadn’t smiled like that in a long time. He met Brendon’s eyes and in that moment a bond was formed, or cemented, because the two had become close ever since the tour started. And I wasn’t jealous. I swear, because we have something deeper._

 

 

 

 

It was lying there in pieces, on one piece that had broken off perfectly was Ty’s signature. Something Brendon had him add a few months later.

“You kept it.” It was a statement and almost killed the conversation.

“I couldn’t get rid of it. I was mad at him. So mad that he felt he had to leave us. And afterwards I felt like shit because it wasn’t his fault. And, you need to understand that Josh. Don’t blame him, or yourself or anyone,” Brendon was staring into my soul and I simply nodded, suddenly unable to form words. “Hey, you remember this?” And then he pulled out a photo from the same box, of all of us together. A night out. And just like that we were happily reminiscing. And I tried to ignore the letter hidden at the bottom of the box because it was just a painful reminder of what had really happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: raggedinsomniacs  
> hit me up


	8. Chapter 8

We were chilling in the green room. Brendon was doing some weird ass vocal warm-ups that I still haven’t got used to even though I’ve been with them for a couple of months now. I was about to make a snarky comment when my phone started ringing, I glanced down and paled when I saw who it was.

“Hello?” My voice was shaking, Brendon fell quiet and everyone was looking at me.

“He’s awake. Oh god Josh, he’s awake.” The phone fell from my hands, my whole body felt numb.

“He’s. He’s. Awake.” It wasn’t more than a whisper but Brendon was by me in a second, helping to my feet.

“Go, be with him. Let us worry about tonight. I’ll be there after the show.” He helped me out, handed me over to a security guy and told him where to take me. I still felt numb, like none of this was real. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be. Everything was settling down mostly. And then this.

 

 

 

His Mum was crying, “he wants to speak to you.” I nodded, still feeling numb. This was a dream and I’d wake up and he’d be gone again.

“Josh?” His voice cracked, hoarse and so fucking beautifully familiar. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

“Tyler,” and with that word I fell apart. I sat on the hospital bed beside him, pulled him close and sobbed. “Don’t leave me. Never leave me Tyler.”

“I won’t Josh. I won’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. Not really. I don’t think. Fuck. I can’t leave you.”

“Do you know how hard these past few months were? I thought you were dead. And then. Then you weren’t. Except you fucking were.” I sobbed angrily, but just looking at those soft hazel eyes I’d missed so much broke down the walls. “You’ve been in a coma for five months Ty.” He nodded, his Mum probably told him. “And. God. They didn’t know if you’d wake up at all. I was starting to think, maybe, you know, that.”

He kissed my forehead, “it’s okay Josh. I’m here now.”

“I was. I. Started playing.”

“With Panic! I know. Mum gave me a quick Josh catch-up.” I couldn’t help but feel like I’d cheated on him, that somehow I had betrayed him by touring with them.

“You don’t mind?”

“No Josh. It’s exactly what I wanted for you.” And he didn’t say because he wasn’t supposed to be here, but I heard it anyway and it hurt like hell. But he was here. In my arms. And talking. And I could feel his heart beating. And it was all okay. And it wasn’t a dream. Or a nightmare. He was really here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, lovely people, this is coming to an end now :( I'm thinking one, possibly two more chapters! I am more than happy to take prompts and request though, feel free to comment or irritate me on Tumblr; raggedinsomniacs


	9. Chapter 9

I smiled when Brendon walked in, he looked around for Josh but couldn’t find him.

“My Mum took Josh home, he needed to sleep and when he said you were coming I knew we would need to talk alone.” His eyes were wide as if he were seeing a ghost, which I suppose is what this whole thing felt like.

“Fuck Tyler, I missed you.” He fell into the chair by my bed and took my hand. “Shit, I missed you.”

“I heard. I also heard you broke my treasured ukulele,” I teased and he smiled a little. “I, I, uh, heard what you and Pete and Josh said. When you came. It was weird. The whole thing. Sometimes I could hear and sometimes I couldn’t. I was trapped in my head and I couldn’t get out.”

“I’m glad you’re here now. And, you know, how do you feel?” Most people had been scared to ask, even the Doctors were skirting round the edges of the issue, but of course it was Brendon who would ask. And I nodded because I did. Holy crap I did.

“I didn’t die, but. Shit, I think Blurry did,” I started beaming because I hadn’t even thought about it, I hadn’t had to. That stupid nagging voice seemed gone, in fact thinking about it, he wasn’t even there when I was ‘asleep’. “He’s gone! Fuck! Oh wow. Brendon!” I pulled him into a tight hug and squealed in happiness.

“That’s great Ty!” And we lay like that for a while, just holding each other close. “I’m so happy to have you back man.” It was a quiet confession, very unlike Brendon and it was just another reminder of just what mess I put them through.

“I’m so happy to be back. I made a mistake Bren. You guys care so much and I won’t forget. I promise. Never again.” There was another silence, a comfortable one.

“Hey Ty?” I turned to look into his eyes, “we’re far too young to die.”

“Yeah Brendon. We are.” He nodded once, happy with my answer before pushing me aside a little and squeesing onto the bed with me, we lay like that ‘till morning. And maybe I noticed Brendon didn’t sleep a wink, instead watching over me. But I was kind enough to not say a thing. I just lay there beside him, thankful for the company and the closeness and the belonging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Sorry but only one more chapter I think, just like an epilogue thing. Thanks for reading, and for going on this crazy journey! Working on something else for you guys already ;) hit me up on Tumblr (happy to take prompts) raggedinsomniacs


	10. Chapter 10

I was awake when Josh walked in, two cups of steaming coffee in his hands. He didn’t say anything about the body curled up beside me only raising his eyebrows, Brendon had fallen asleep maybe 30 minutes ago and I didn’t want to disturb him.

“I brought you some breakfast, I know you hate hospital food,” Josh whispered, sitting as close to me as possible and handing me the drink and a breakfast muffin. “They told me no Taco Bell.”

“Josh, I love you.” He looked a little taken aback by my random confession.

“I know Ty, I love you too.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am Josh. I should have talked to you, I could have and maybe we could have avoided all this. And. I’m so lucky to even be here, and I regret what I did with every atom of my being. It was you. Thoughts of you. And your eyes, and your smile, and your ass, and your stupid jokes, and your cuddles, and you. And trying to guess what color your hair would be. You brought me back. I hate the pain I put you through, I’m so lucky that you waited for me.” I’d made a promise to myself not to lie to Josh anymore, not to hide anything anymore.

Josh had a small smile on his face, but I know he’s still sad and hurt, “Ty, baby, there could never be anyone else. You are the only one for me. Of course I would wait for you. I would wait forever. Until our star reunited.” I couldn’t take it any longer, reaching out and pulling him in for a kiss. He tasted the same as he always did, like heaven. The kiss was warm and beautiful and safe and home.

“I’ll never do it again. No more hiding.” I whispered as I pulled back, I saw relief and happiness shine in those beautiful eyes before I reattached our lips.

 

 

 

 

Things didn’t go back to how they were straight away, and I’m sure they probably never will. For a while the suicide attempt hung heavy in the air, it was the elephant in the room wherever I went. Even with Josh for a while, but we talked it through and things are almost like they were before.

Josh had tried to leave Panic! But I insisted that he continue the tour, Brendon made room on the bus for me to join them. The three of us were inseparable, usually with Dallon not far behind. And Pete had been showing up a lot more.

As soon as the tour was over, Josh and I were back in the studio with an album as raw as the first one we released – the one before Josh. It helped clear the air. I knew it would help patch things up, help explain things. Music had always done that for me, and it was the same now.

“Ty, come on babe, reservations,” Josh reminded me, nudging me towards the door. I couldn’t help checking the reflection one more time. “You look gorgeous as fuck, get out before I drag you to bed.” I blushed a deep red as I hurried out the door with Josh’s hand wrapped around my waist.

“You know, I’d be happy with Taco Bell.”

“I know. But Brendon and Pete wanted somewhere ‘classier’.” Josh rolled his eyes as he continued to hurry me along. The drive was filled with the car radio, blasting the Blurryface album, I smiled at Josh who was tapping along on the steering wheel.

When Josh said classy he meant it, it was some Italian restaurant and it was big and fancy and my heart was racing before we even got in.

“I’m nervous Josh,” I admitted in a whisper against his ear.

“That’s alright baby, you’ll enjoy tonight. I’ll be by your side through the whole thing.” A kiss was pressed to my cheek as we were escorted to the table. It was an ‘intimate evening’ according to Brendon, which was actually just the boys from Fall Out Boy and Panic! Meeting up with us.

“Hey guys, glad you could join us,” Brendon beamed, hand dangerously close to Dallon’s and I am seriously rooting for those two. Patrick and Pete seemed cozy too and my nerves were forgotten as we sat with our closest friends.

 

 

 

 

We were eating dessert when Josh got to his feet and the table fell silent.

“So. This year’s been hard for all of us, for me, for Tyler. Our relationship was put to the test in the worst of ways, but we pulled through and came out stronger. When Tyler was in a coma I realized a few things; we’re not here forever, if we want something we need to take it, that Tyler is the only one who could ever have my heart and that if I am going to spend my life with someone. It’s him.” He got to one knee, pulling out a velvet box and with a nervous smile he opened it. “Tyler, I don’t want to spend another day apart, I want to be with you in every way possible. Make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”

“Of course Josh.” We met in the middle for a heated kiss as Josh slid the ring onto my finger.

“I’ll always love you.”

“And I’ll always love you.” The rest of the night passed in a blur of happiness, everything was finally coming together and all that negativity I had felt that pushed me to take my own life was forgotten. Things get better, life is a rollercoaster and I’m glad I had the opportunity to carry on riding it and to have Josh by my side for the whole thing makes it infinitely better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It's over guys! Hope you liked it, I sure did! Go annoy me on Tumblr - Raggedinsomniacs :) I don't bite, say hi

**Author's Note:**

> So, I kind of have some more things to add to this one... would you guys be interested in that?


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